Crazy sad day

So this is going to be a pretty short post. I am just typing to give myself an outlet, to kinda let myself start to heal. I am typing about December 13 2013, yesterday now that its 53 minutes past midnight.

...My grades came out from UCF today and I just don't know how to smile. My grades suck plain and simple. I am tired and exhausted and just plain done with life. Now I know that sounds suicidal and all and to be perfectly honest I have been suicidal for years. But at the same time I'm not, because sure I don't want to get older than 25 and i'm 18 now and I would really like to be done with life. But I can't end my life now and I won't let someone else end it for me. I will live with the pain, hurt, sadness, and despair that has become my life over the past 6 years. I am a survivor, now all of you do not know my complete story... but I am writing this blog and plan to keep up with it over the long time to come to get my complete story  out there. From my little thoughts like today about Lorde's new song or about big events in my life like this complete sh*t hole of a day. I don't know how long I will keep this blog, I have tried in the past like I have said in my past posts to write stories from a slight fictionalized version of my life to the far sad extreme and a very fictionalized version of my life to the far happy extreme. I wasn't able to continue those stories for more than a few months total. This ... this is different though. It is not an extreme my posts will range from my real sadness to my real happiness. These posts will have the depth of me, from me speaking right out. No filter.

Now if you knew me in real life you would understand what a big thing this really is because... I have a huge filter, I rarely curse, I do not get outwardly angry with people, and I do not like making people angry. So I bite my tongue and turn my cheek. ... On here though everything will come out. When this is found years down the line, people will probably hate me ... But I. DO. NOT.CARE!!! I mean lets be real what I will say about you is completely true and if I start to range into an exaggeration I will admit it freely on here. I will call it as I see it and that is that.

Today, I found out happy things like I got a new follower on tumblr (up to 9 now!!! ... have only been on for like 3 weeks), I found out about new music (see beyonce and lorde) and I found out that MLK JR and Anne Frank were born in the same year! Like who knew?!! ... But then I knew this was coming but I didn't want it to. My grades came out and they were bad... which means I need to have a practical 4.0 next semester to get my grades back up. I also have to retake a class. Now this also means I can't get a job that I really wanted this year, I had gone through a lot to get hired and now i'm getting fired after 2 weeks because of my official gpa. Now I can't say what job it is because such a select group is picked and when we were picked it was publicized greatly and I don't want everyone knowing who I am just yet ;) so no I won't tell you... actually I probably gave you too many clues already but thats ok. No one is reading this blog yet and by the time people actually do (and more specifically people from UCF and then even smaller people from UCF that would know what i'm talking about and who I am) the record won't be so easy to find.

Now I said this was supposed to be a short post... but when I start talking especially on here I just can't stop because all of these emotions keep wanting to come out and with them they bring stories. So I am going to break what I am going to say next into another post. Just to make my thoughts a little more clear :)

_ _ TTS Later!!!