Crazy sad day

So this is going to be a pretty short post. I am just typing to give myself an outlet, to kinda let myself start to heal. I am typing about December 13 2013, yesterday now that its 53 minutes past midnight.

...My grades came out from UCF today and I just don't know how to smile. My grades suck plain and simple. I am tired and exhausted and just plain done with life. Now I know that sounds suicidal and all and to be perfectly honest I have been suicidal for years. But at the same time I'm not, because sure I don't want to get older than 25 and i'm 18 now and I would really like to be done with life. But I can't end my life now and I won't let someone else end it for me. I will live with the pain, hurt, sadness, and despair that has become my life over the past 6 years. I am a survivor, now all of you do not know my complete story... but I am writing this blog and plan to keep up with it over the long time to come to get my complete story  out there. From my little thoughts like today about Lorde's new song or about big events in my life like this complete sh*t hole of a day. I don't know how long I will keep this blog, I have tried in the past like I have said in my past posts to write stories from a slight fictionalized version of my life to the far sad extreme and a very fictionalized version of my life to the far happy extreme. I wasn't able to continue those stories for more than a few months total. This ... this is different though. It is not an extreme my posts will range from my real sadness to my real happiness. These posts will have the depth of me, from me speaking right out. No filter.

Now if you knew me in real life you would understand what a big thing this really is because... I have a huge filter, I rarely curse, I do not get outwardly angry with people, and I do not like making people angry. So I bite my tongue and turn my cheek. ... On here though everything will come out. When this is found years down the line, people will probably hate me ... But I. DO. NOT.CARE!!! I mean lets be real what I will say about you is completely true and if I start to range into an exaggeration I will admit it freely on here. I will call it as I see it and that is that.

Today, I found out happy things like I got a new follower on tumblr (up to 9 now!!! ... have only been on for like 3 weeks), I found out about new music (see beyonce and lorde) and I found out that MLK JR and Anne Frank were born in the same year! Like who knew?!! ... But then I knew this was coming but I didn't want it to. My grades came out and they were bad... which means I need to have a practical 4.0 next semester to get my grades back up. I also have to retake a class. Now this also means I can't get a job that I really wanted this year, I had gone through a lot to get hired and now i'm getting fired after 2 weeks because of my official gpa. Now I can't say what job it is because such a select group is picked and when we were picked it was publicized greatly and I don't want everyone knowing who I am just yet ;) so no I won't tell you... actually I probably gave you too many clues already but thats ok. No one is reading this blog yet and by the time people actually do (and more specifically people from UCF and then even smaller people from UCF that would know what i'm talking about and who I am) the record won't be so easy to find.

Now I said this was supposed to be a short post... but when I start talking especially on here I just can't stop because all of these emotions keep wanting to come out and with them they bring stories. So I am going to break what I am going to say next into another post. Just to make my thoughts a little more clear :)

_ _ TTS Later!!!

Post 3

Now I dont even know what to title these things so that will just have to work. Now I am at ucf's reflection pond typing this on my phone and I just tried to like write my post in my journal. Now I have had a journal for two dedicated years now and all I can think, while I try to mess up a page by marking it, is what is the point. I have tried over the years to start stories in my journals and I just never see the point I mean stories are meant to be shared and and I think of my "journal entries" as stories of my life so why would I not want to share you know.

Now at ucf we have a reflection pond if you want to know more just google ucf spirit splash and this thing will pop up. At night it is so peaceful out. The moon and lights are shining at it, it's just awesome. The spooky part Is that I am out here alone at midnight... like I might be a guy but even guys die!! But I came out here for some reflection time... some time to myself to think of how much I dislike certain people, and how much I like others, and even more confusing how I can like and dislike an even smaller pool of people all at the same time. I have a crush on them and yet I want to kill them. Ugh I want to date but I dont know where to start and the people I can see myself with are either occupied or friends... so ya know. The worst part is im not out to my mom and yet I feel like im out as bi, but I have to watch everything I do and I just dont know how much longer I can take this.

So one dude I like is Sam he is a lot like me, i'm not sure how good of a thing that is... I mean we have the same name and think the same way. Like perfect match on one hand but I really really want to like not have him existing in my world on the other.

Oh!! Yea I get distracted when I am typing these things sorry but I just remembered I was going to tell some of today's story. So I was studying and I was like ok I can message sam so that we can study together. ..that didnt work we ended up going to an RA's program then he left and I was like oh... I then had to do my own program for area council... and then I didnt do like anything for that except clean up of the RA's event like what?!! And so I left studied math and english portfolio for a few hours and then Sam wants to study... so im like ok come over and we can study... do we study nope he ends up talking to aron and autumn about Tom Daley and his hottness and the fact that his boyfriend is literally 20 years older than him... like the age difference is older than he is like he could be Toms father like really!!! But whatevs thats his life but I was getting distracted by that story so I went back to my room to finish studying ... and guess what they all left to do and I quote, "do anything but study for our tests tomorrow". Like thats ok I mean a good bye would have been cool or something.

Then cody wants to come back (roommate) and talk about a girl he met and thats good because he really needs to get a girlfriend like he games too much with nothing else in his life.

I should probably be wrapping this up soon my phone is about to die but the end is coming...maybe I mean I have so much to tell. Like how my group of friends and I did a secret santa and guess who's name I pulled two times out of my hat when we were picking ppl and then messed up... I will give you three guesses... and lets just say it's pretty ironic.
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Ok waited long enough it was Sam! Like what?! And so I spent a whole bunch of time completely not knowing what to get him. I ended up getting him some candy, pj pants and a shirt (that is too big but whatevs). I left it all in his room with a little note attached and it was the 4 lines of call me maybe chorus but altered a little... I will prob post a pic way later in life just because. I got my gift that day from his bestfriend and it was the perfect gift of the exact snack that I love eating!!! Nutella and pepperoni! ...but now I have two bags of pepperoni...after finishing the third bag yesterday, and four jars of nutella... what am I going to do with all this! Well I will be set for a while :)

I think I have been typing on my phone for like 30 min now and this keyboard is driving me up a wall... so I dont know how much more I will be typing... I used to try to blog but my posts were stupid and like a sentence long with no depth... like I had no clue what I was doing... like now but at least now I am typing about me and not random everything.

I also have like 2 stories on wattpad from back when I was trying to write a book... the ideas are still in my head but I just dont think I will be finishing those specific ideas because I was younger back then so my story concept was young, underdeveloped and completely not finishable. So I will prob go back to that one day.

Ugh since I am rambling now I shall sign off now :) I will be back to write some past stories soon, promise!!! But for now...

TTS Later!!!